Allow me to bear my heart a little bit here…

Thursday night I watched a couple of documentaries on the lost girls of China. I cried through them, holding tightly to my own baby, fast asleep in my arm.

After Gray got home from church, and we lie in bed talking, he told me that he can see my heart breaking for that which breaks God’s heart. I began to cry, which quickly led way to weeping. I allowed myself to openly cry with no reservations, and to openly share with him the images I saw in the documentaries, and how they had affected me.

Infants tied to bamboo seats, a bucket underneath them, bobbing back and forth for lack of human contact.

An infant girl left on her own in a room for fourteen days; left to die. They filmed her crying. She cried not from hunger or boredom, not after so many days alone in that dark room. No, she cried from death. Death was overtaking her, and it hurt.

Newborn infants tossed about as rag dolls while being bathed, their arms and legs straddled, grasping for security, leaning into the orphanage worker, who would offer them none.

I cannot bear it. It breaks me. It absolutely shatters my heart to think of a helpless infant crying, and no one responding. No love, no comfort. I think, ‘What if that was Ezekiel lying there, crying, alone, hungry, afraid, soaked in his soiled diaper, or even without a diaper?’

There are millions.

“It seems futile,” Grayson admitted to me as we lay in bed, “there are millions.” “That’s exactly why it doesn’t seem futile to me.” I replied. “There are millions. I can’t help them all, but I can help one. I cannot give love to them all, but I can give love to one.”

We can change one’s world. We can influence the eternity of one.

I will not write here in the open, “We are going to adopt a baby”. However, those are the words I wrote in my journal. Those are the words we have spoken to one another. Unless God makes it clear that for some reason unknown to us, He does not have that in His best plan for us, then, well, you get the picture…

What child? Is he or she alive at this moment? From where? …When…?

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Proverbs 3:5-6

“‘For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are My ways your ways.” declares the Lord, “For as the Heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts higher than your thoughts.” Isaiah 55:8-9

“Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” Philippians 4:6-7 

This is not simply the result of watching a couple of brutally awakening documentaries. It has been a progression. This began as nothing but a noble idea, “Oh, yes, we might like to adopt at some point.” It turned then into a possible conviction. Quickly then it formed into an act of obedience in our minds. How more practically could we obey Christ’s command to care for the orphans than by giving one a home, a family, a life–hope? At this point, as I saw it as an opportunity to obey Christ, fear set in. Great fear. I wanted this, but even greater than my desire was this overarching fear. To take a child in, one not born of our own flesh. How could I love him or her as much as I love Ezekiel? What a skewed thought, but it was my own. Now, as of Thursday night, it has evolved into a burning passion within me. This is something I want so greatly. I begin to cry when the thought ever so slightly enters my mind. It is strong. I do believe this is something God has for us to do.