Sweating profusely, I was grateful to still be upright and breathing. Modifying the moves to the Beachbody work out is a challenge no matter how easy the instructor makes it look. At fifty-six and woefully out of shape, I realize that no matter how hard I work, I will never achieve a perfect beach body. So what keeps me coming back to this eclectic exercise group on Saturday mornings? A little phrase the petite young mom modifying the modifications for me proclaimed, “purpose over perfection”.  Pressing on in my attempts to master the moves would keep my heart rate up and strengthen my core. The purpose for which I exercise is more important than perfecting the exercise.

Perfection. It’s a motivator for some, a killjoy for others. Most of us love the idea of having a perfect marriage and perfectly behaved children. Yet the effort required to attain those ideals is often more than we bargain for, and many of us end up as “discouraged perfectionists” and quit trying. For others, it’s the silent killer of all happiness because we don’t fully grasp the truth that perfection isn’t possible this side of heaven.

Frustration can get the best of us even on a good day, but look out when we feel like our instructions have been ignored or worse yet defied. Ever find yourself saying (or yelling) “How many times do I have to tell you….?!” to your kids? If only children would keep their glass at the top of their plate, return shoes to closets, and recharge devices after using. I’m thinking if we have to ask that question, then the answer is at least one more time, but perhaps it needs modified.

As my mind wanders into the recesses of my parenting days I find that question flew out of my mouth when I was disappointed, agitated, or frustrated. And if I’m honest in my full assessment of those times, it may have had more to do with my lack of training or unreasonable expectations for their stage of development than it did for their defiance or disobedience.

What if we asked questions like, “How can I help you remember to …?”,  “What can we do to make this work?”, “What part of this task it too hard for you?” Whether it’s making a bed, finding a place for possessions, or cleaning the bathroom, understanding the purpose and modifying expectations for the task may help you find success.

Can toddlers be taught to replace their cup where they got it at the top of their plate? Is it possible to never play “where’s the missing shoe” game again? Will anyone remember how to load the dishwasher correctly?

The answers depend on our willingness to look at the purpose of the activity without the concern for the perfection of it. Toddlers can be taught to set the cup on a circle we’ve placed on the table. Shoes can make their way to closets or shelves, even if they’re not lined up perfectly. Dishwashers clean dishes in a variety of arrangements.

What if we took the “purpose over perfection” philosophy and applied it to our parenting? Teaching responsibility, obedience, and character traits would be less stressful if we looked at their progress instead of lack of perfection. How could prayer help us press through the trenches of training our children to develop the skills we long for them to master? Could encouragement unlock the secret to success?

I am reminded of the Apostle Paul’s declaration when it comes to perfection, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on…” Philippians 3:12

The next time you’re tempted to toss in the towel, try these modifications to help you focus on the purpose behind your request and not the perfection of its fulfillment.

1. Teach each step of the task then give them time to practice. Develop an “I do it, we do it, you do it” philosophy. Make modifications for their ages and stages of development and encourage them along the way. “I knew you could do it!” is one of my favorite phrases as the task is completed.

 

2. Train one or two areas at a time, giving them opportunity to set patterns of behavior before moving to the next area of responsibility. Working on too much at once may frustrate or shut down a child, especially one who already struggles with perfectionistic tendencies.

 

3. Monitor progress frequently with encouraging feedback. Try to refrain from re-doing anything in frustration or anger; discouragement is difficult to reverse. Show the next stage of completing the task to reach the goal, then practice some more. Using a “mistakes are for learning” mantra will help the corrections be positive instead of punitive.

 

4. Ask God to give your child a teachable spirit to foster a desire to cooperate and learn from mistakes. When King Jehoshaphat was told a vast army was coming against him he prayed to the Lord, “We don’t know what to do, but our eyes are on you.” If God can reveal strategies for war, surely he can reveal strategies to teach and train children while building confidence and satisfaction in a job well (not perfectly) done.

 

5. Give grace. God gives abundant grace to us as he waits for us to mature. Understanding of God’s grace will grow as it’s modeled by you. Be aware that parental interactions and expectations are often translated to what God is like in the hearts and minds of our children. God’s mercy is new every morning and ours should be too.

Once you’ve taught a skill and given time for practice, trained with encouraging feedback as you monitored their progress, I believe you’ll find your question becomes “When did you learn to….so well?” And when you find yourself falling short in the five modifications listed above, reassure your own heart, “Purpose over perfection”.

Childhood is fleeting. The days are long but the years are short. One day no reminders will be necessary and practice will have made perfect progress. Lest your desire for that day overshadow these days, be forewarned. There just might be a lump in your throat and a tug on your heart as you realize your modifications are no longer needed.